Signing On

Welcome back my followers!
I couldn't think of a more fitting way to kick-off "Avy On Benefit" than to blog my weekly visit to the unemployment office. I'm sure this will be a fascinating and informative read, and that it will come in useful for you all some time in the future when you get sacked; I hope so! No....... not that you get sacked, that it will be useful; you know what i meant.


Anyway, every Thursday morning, sometime between 8:30 and 11:30 a.m. (depending on when I can be bothered to get up) you'll find me presenting myself at Migdal HaKriyah, 125 Derech Menachem Begin, to sign-on for unemployment benefit. The process can be a little cumbersome the first time so here is my guide to signing-on.

1) Get past the main entrance security and ascend the escalators to the 2nd floor. The usual process we're all used to every time we try and enter a building in Israel. Make sure you leave your guns at home and say "Yom Tov" to the security guard, even if he is a miserable bastard. Get off the escalator on the 2nd floor. Easy progress up to this point.

2) Turn left and get in line for the goverment offices security check. This is a more serious security check which involves removing all metallic objects for ones person, including belts and glasses, so it's best to turn up in tight trousers and contact lenses, and remove all peircings at home for a smooth, unembarrassing transition.
Please take note: the second floor suddenly becomes "Floor 0" of the government offices. This is obviously aimed at confusing people so that they give up and don't claim their benefit. These bureacrats don't know who they're dealing with!

3) Turn left again and order a elevator for the 2nd floor. That's right! The next beurocratic booby-trap involves calling an elevator by entering the appropriate floor number in a numeric key-pad on the wall. The various offices and their corresponding floors are also listed nearby. This puzzle is obviously in place to weed out the illiterate and innumerate amongst us. Well they clearly didn't bargain on someone with a 3rd degree turning up did they? These idiots are gonna have to try harder than that!

4) Get out on the 2nd floor, follow the signs to the unemployment office and present yourself with ID card at the reception desk.
At the reception you'll be asked if you have a degree or not, and you'll be referred to one of the numbered desks appropriately. Find the desk and add your name to the list, for no other reason than to reassure your fellow unemployed who are waiting in the queue that you're not pushing in. Of course, in practise the office workers don't ever look at the list or call anyone's name and prefer to let the jobless hoards decide who's next in line; they should bloody get sacked!

Please bear in mind that inside the umemployment office, it's of utmost importance to breath deeply and stay cool, primarily because queueing is involved. As if queuing in israel doesn't stress people out enough, you'll be surrounded by people who arrived stressed already owing to the fact that they have no job and no money, maybe also because it took them half an hour to get in the right elevator and possibly because their trousers are falling down from taking their belts off at the security check. Furthermore, while waiting for your turn you'll almost certainly hear people shouting comments like "I served in the army you know and this country gives me nothing back". It's best just to ignore these individuals as argueing might start a fight, and joining in might start a riot.

5) When you turn comes, treat your unemployment officer like your life depends on them.
For sure, the unemployment office deliberatly hires complete bastards with no patience, no manners and a distinct lack of communication skills, to deal with the unemployed public. Don't fall into this final trap! If you pass this final test, you're home dry. So answer all questions politely, smile (not annoyingly) and grit your teeth and say "thank you" when your unemployment officer declares that they are doing you a big favor by signing your attendance card and not sending you to a different queue.


Incidentally, your attendance card will be issued to you the first time you go, and your right index finger will be scanned so that, in future, you can register your attendance by scan on "Floor 0" instead of having to actually enter the office and deal with unsavoury individuals, provided that you get a ticket with a little house on it which means "Go Home!" Praise The Lord!


That's it my friends! If you pay close attention to these tips, then it's easy money in the bank. Well........eventually I hope. I'll only get my first benefit check on 17th July apparently.
Don't do me any bloody favours!